The Swingers Guide to the galaxy

20 februari 2012 - In Opmerkelijk

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover is the title of an old song. But as a swinger you don't leave your lover, you make love to more people. How do you know if you are 'swinger material'? We have found a couple of blogs with 'ways to know' and combined them to give you a 100 ways to know. You can take them seriously, of course, but we see them as a 'Swingers Guide' to the galaxy, good for a laugh or at least a little grin.

You see a really HOT girl walking down the street and you say to yourself "I wonder if she'll do my wife?"
Every bottle of liquor in your house has a big sticker with your membership number or couple name on it.
You are running out of excuses to tell your babysitter why you come home at 4am on Sat nights/Sun mornings and sport a freshly fucked look.
Your closet is filled with 5" high heeled shoes...and you have more lingerie than Victoria's Secret!
You go to Jamaica once a year and "Hedo" actually MEANS something to you!
You are running out of reasons to tell your vanilla friends why you can't go out with them.
At work, when someone tells you of a wild adventure, most are floored and shocked and you say "Cool!"
All of a sudden...you have friends all over the world.
You are sending out online Christmas Cards to people with names like dareustwo, wifewetandbi and xoticcpl!
Your nightstand drawer is full of bar napkins with couples names and phone numbers.
Many of your camera shots are from different hotel rooms and in many of them you are sporting a convention wristband.
You receive more cellphone texts from lovers than your teenage kids do!
You make plans to meet a Vanilla couple at a nice restaurant...then realize you have absolutely nothing you can wear!
You BOTH turn your heads and watch the hot woman walking down the street!
You NEVER open the garage door until you are IN the car with the doors CLOSED!
In the gym shower...you're the ONLY ONE with shaved balls!
Wondering how to explain to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags, blankets, pillows and dressed in Toga...but don't leave until Sunday afternoon!
Your kids and the babysitter ask why mommy already has her coat on when she comes out of the bedroom every Saturday night.
When going to a strip club with your guy friends, instead of your wife...all the strippers ask "How's Cindy?" and could care less about you and the boys!
You come home with that 'there's something about Mary' hairstyle!
Before traveling on business or to visit relatives somewhere, you look up couples in the area.
You giggle to yourself at the office when your co-workers tell you how wonderful their weekend was...OH! If they ONLY knew!!
Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.
You are running out of reasons to tell your co-workers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.
You know most of your friends’ by their first names (Rich & Jen, Frank & Beth) but you don’t know their last names.
You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
Your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, and your first thought is ”With who?”
Your gynaecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
You have a stripper’s pole in the middle of your den.
You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join you for a foursome.
The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.
You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is NOT “Playboy”
The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
You remember to bring lube before you remember to bring lipstick.
Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.
You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you.
You bet your wife who can score first with that cute girl.
You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.
You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when it’s freezing outside.
Your wedding reception has an after party.
You get dressed for a party and don’t worry about comfort because your clothes won’t be on for very long.
You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
You’ve invited friends over and watched porn and made porn.
You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s breasts.
Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
You take photos of yourself with your head out of the frames, on purpose.
You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear tonight.
You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… and your guest bed… and your couch in the living room.
Every day is “Hump Day”, not just Wednesday.
You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.
You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
You choose furniture based on which best repels semen stains.
The staffs at Hedo and Desire send you birthday cards.
In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
All of your vacation photos were taken inside your hotel room.
You’ve ended e-mails with “Bi-Bi”.
On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.
You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
You actually installed a lock on a bedroom closet door that holds your sex-swing and other fun stuff.
You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will turn on one of your home videos you forgot to hide.
You make bets about how long it will take to “convert” your vanilla friend.
You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
You start having withdrawals if the swinger’s web site is down.
When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
You ask a guy to teach you “That thing you do with your fingers that my wife enjoys so much.”
In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
You’ve handed out business cards that have nothing to do with your occupation.
Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!
You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.
You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
On vacation you set aside time to take pictures that are actually acceptable to show to your family.
After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.
Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
You tell your friends not to call while your parents are in town.
You never make it to the drive-thru before they quit serving breakfast, on your way home.
You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
You spent twice as long on your profile than you did on your resume.
You laughed out loud at 25 or more of these!