Why the reluctance for single men?

Posted on . In Swingers Questions

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Being in the lifestyle is great and is wonderful to spice up your relationship. However, you might have a questions, issue or problem that you would like to have an answer on. Ask other swingers what they think and get the answers or tips you need by sending an email to media@sdc.com . We will publish your question and you can read the answers of other people in the lifestyle in our category 'Swingers Questions'. This time a question Tom has a question for youfrom a single men.

Hi  guys. My name is Tom. Me and the ex wife were very active in the lifestyle. Since my divorce I've been having trouble with that. A single female is often accepted everywhere, a single man however...
How can I make clear that I know the lifestyle and I'm not aggressive in pursuing women and that I am not a thread or some weirdo? Our mutual former swingers friends try to help me by taking me with them to clubs, but that already is problematic. Most of the times I am not even allowed in. So again, what to do/say?

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Comments   

 
0 #1 RalphW 2017-04-10 14:37
Hi Tom,
I am a single male also. I feel where you are coming from. I think the reluctance stems from the fear of allowing a creepster into a couple's life. I am a retired police officer. Thus, I understand the fear, and applaud the caution.
That being said, I find my best LS opportunities come from attending LS clubs and M & G's. I let the people see and hear me. I NEVER expect an instant connection ( I'm not that egotistical ). When I make a connection with a couple, I follow all their rules and let word of mouth assist me. I have even met a couple whose husband will let me "stand in" for him when his wife wants to go to an event he can't.
The LS is like any other relationship. One gets out of it what one puts into it. Don't give up. Don't lose heart. Stay engaging, polite, clean and discrete.
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0 #2 Eric 2017-04-11 03:03
Even asking such a question shows a complete lack of understanding in not only this lifestyle, but in basic human sexuality.
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-5 #3 Ralphw 2017-04-12 14:39
Ease up on the guy, Eric. This area is for any Q&A to try and help people out. My only concern about Tom's letter is where he says, even accompanied by other LS friends, "Most of the times I am not even allowed in." Why are you not wanted, even as part of a threesome? Could it be that before you and your ex split, you guys (her OR both) caused enough drama in the group to become persona non grata?
If that is the case, you may have to give people a long time to observe you. Or, even find a new club or group to join. Reputation, as a single, is extremely important. If you have a bad one, it is sometimes insurmountable.
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+17 #4 NoLimit 2017-04-12 20:05
Unfortunately, single guys are a dime a dozen while single women...well they are called unicorns for a reason.

Just be genuine and honest about yourself, be open to making new friends without any expectations of sex and I am sure that opportunities will come your way sooner or later.
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-1 #5 Cooltryst 2017-04-13 12:40
In our opinion, it brings a different dynamic to our desires within the lifestyle. We look for friends(couples ) in and out of the bedroom. People that we can do "vanilla" (though I'm not fond of that term) activities with. Even our non-lifestyle friends are all couples. However, there are times we are in the mood for a single male(s). When that occurs we will typically head to a club on a Wednesday or Thursday for safe, but anonymous, sex. Many times this occures with multiple men. Unfortunately, as someone pointed out above, that is an easy itch to scratch. We don't want single friends, male or female, at that point it's just sex. it's almost like it upsets the balance. Many of the single men sound like they want long term relationships with us. Please, this is only our perspective, it may come across wrong to others, and it may change later. Being newer(relativel y) to the lifestyle, the. Biggest thing I am noticing for success, is being true to ourselves.
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-6 #6 Ralphw 2017-04-15 01:03
Tom,
Judging from the amount of negatives my, and other's, positive comments have received, I am reminded about what I was told when I first joined this site. I was instructed to read the entire title for the site: Swingers Date Club FOR COUPLES.
I don't know what part of the world you live in. However, I would recommend you try to find and join the SwingLifeStlye. The members there seem to be more accepting of singles, male and female, as well as play groups. Look into the SLS in your region.
Be Well!
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+4 #7 YaReally 2017-04-21 01:27
The reality is that most of the time single males are sought out and screened by husbands then approved by the wife.

Wife sharing is part of living out a fantasy that involves several factors. Some men might want to see their wife experience romance, some a marathon night of sex, others may want a more simple scenario, or in some cases the wife has set a requirements for what she wants, it all depends.

The competition is high so the screening process is difficult for you single males. Personally, when choosing a single male, we want him to be down-to-earth, educated, very good looking, a conversationali st, humorous, flirtatious, MFM experienced, and have an excellent cock and stamina. The profile is very important, it should be balanced and have a little of everything I mentioned we look for in a single male. E-mails, texts and/or phone calls should go smoothly. There are a lot of guys that meet the criteria above. We've met them on SDC and some on CList.

I think the best thing is to be yourself but put your best foot forward on your profile and in messaging. There's probably a hotwife couple out there for you.
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-7 #8 Peter 2017-04-27 14:58
Why this reluctance for single male?
Could it be that swinging is focussed on the comfort of both sexes, male and especially the female, whereas in other parts of society the focus is on male pleasure (porn, prostitution for example).
Bringing in an element from the real world, the male dominated world, is in conflict with the swinging values of equality of both sexes.
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-6 #9 Mark 2017-04-28 05:56
Well a single guy is not accepted in LS for the simple fact that the LS is about sharing intimate moments with other couples and built a friendship and as well as intimate one, and a single guy has no business in the LS, and as far as a woman woman can please a woman as well as a man, but the single guy is out for himself!h
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-4 #10 Jerry 2017-05-16 18:40
Mark hit it on the head. Single women play with both. Perfectly acceptable. Single men only want to fuck another mans wife. For most of us that aren't voyeurs why bother. If the single man is so awesome where's his partner? A guy that great should have no problem finding a partner to bring to the party. There must be a reason why he doesn't. Easy solution. Get a partner....enjo y the COUPLES lifestyle.
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0 #11 str8two4fun 2017-05-23 01:49
There appears to be a significant point missed. The answer lies in the profiles by looking at the ladies sexual orientation. A high percentage of the women on any lifestyle site are listed as either bi, or bi-curious. This means they are mainly seeking women, and what is one of the top fantasies of most guys. Yep. To see two women together, and to be asked to join them. The guys are just on the benches of a woman's playground; even if you are a couple, but it sure helps to have a good woman at your side in the lifestyle. You have probably heard, or will hear several times that the women rule the lifestyle. Sure; we have single male friends, and, on a rare occasion, have played with them, but our main interests lie with couples. It is even a bit more difficult for us as well since the Mrs. is straight.
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0 #12 Tony 2017-05-23 06:39
One of the prior comments hit it right. For the most part there is a tendency to forget there are two in a couple. Unless the husband has a fantasy, not me, of the wife making out while he watches then single males bring nothing to the table. To allow those guys into a couples club only brings more competition to the meet. Because many wives tend to be bi in this then having the unicorn single female gives both a chance to play. Get a date and you'll be better off.
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+4 #13 mdzigzag 2017-05-29 17:37
Mark and Jerry, what a crock, talk about ignorant stereotypes. At least the other responders make sense but you too are just saying "fuck off". Don't understand that at all, no help. Sounds like you two are worried about competition or comparison. At least try and couch your negativism within a helpful, if negative, answer.
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+3 #14 mdzigzag 2017-05-29 17:52
I've also wondered for quite some time about "what the ladies want" in the lifestyle. My experience indicates that it's more typical for the male have of a couple to initiate lifestyle play than for the woman. Men take the lead typically. Women seem to be more followers in that respect. The men run the show as it were. Based on that I wonder how many women are really "bi" (almost every womans profile on a lifestyle site says they are bi), or are only "bi" because their partner wants them to be? Conversely, how many women might enjoy a single male in the partnership, if they weren't comfortable with how their partner might view it?
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+4 #15 Sarah 2017-06-02 21:25
Wow...for "open minded" people, some of you are boxed-in to what you feel is 'normal' and 'acceptable' in the LS. My husband and I both date singles. He is happy to let me date and play with whoever I want, and single guys are great because they don't have to have a hall pass or permission. My husband does not "initiate" any play that we do. He is not insecure to let me enjoy a single man. Some of you guys sound like Neanderthals.

As far as single men creating competition, that's dumb.....guys can maybe fuck 2 girls at most in an evening. Girls can go all night long.
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0 #16 Charlie 2017-06-03 18:51
It's harder for you to get accepted as a single guy cause in most cases they use the wife as bait even if the girls want to play alone they want to be there you can ask single ladies. Most of them don't have the tools to get a single lady or even please her and judge and discriminate against singles cause they make them feel in less control over the ladies. There's really cool couples and ladies don't give up on the lifestyle learn how to get the best of it.
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-2 #17 Jerry 2017-06-06 16:39
To mdzigzag. Mark and I are entitiled to our opinion just like you. Stereotype? In what way? What is the goal of a single man seeking couples? To have sex with the man? No. Have sex with the mans wife? Yes. Another couple brings something for both. A single man brings only something for the female and of course himself. A single woman brings something for both. Swinging has always been a couples activity. I for one didn't mean to insinuate a fuck off attitude towards single guys. Simple suggested they get a woman. Why wouldn't they? It would vastly reduce improve their success rate. So because of your caustic attitude what you thought I was saying to single men I'm now saying to you.
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0 #18 steelpulse69 2017-06-15 13:15
I have been in the lifstyle over 20 years and have been as a cpl and now a single male i get more ccpls wanting to be with a single guy sometimes 2 in a day and also all throught the week yes i am a Bbc you have many cpls looking to.be with a black male and the husbands always want to look at his wife having sex with one now you guys thats dont give a single guy a chance i do understand but dont ask your wife to bring another lady into the scene with you because you want to have sex with another lady but will not let your lady explore with another manif she wants to so think about that if you can have so can she if she wants to just dont have another lady just be with cpls stay with them because single men will have fun in this lifestyle if they know what to do like i say i am a bbc and always being hot up by cpls go figure
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0 #19 Ron 2017-06-17 05:53
The problem for single males is quantity. Too many, most are amatuers, and there are those that are really married males looking to wander.

If you go to a club like the Trap in Ft. Lauderdale on a Friday night, most SMs are there for the first time, and assume if we are there, we automatically are looking for a SM. Can not forget one night a SM got angry at us for not inviting him to join us, and he yelled, "so why are you here?". He did not consider the Mrs. did not find him at all attractive.

The point, the majority give those quality SMs in the minority a bad rap. Too bad, not fair, but reality. Between marriages for three years I was a SM, used my previous experiences to my advantage. Biggest lesson, not every couple is into SMs and you can not force the issue. Second, just being a gentleman that puts the female on a pedestal.

Having said that, we have met some really great single males, but you need to vet them.
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