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How to solve my performance problem?

- In Swingers questions

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Being in the lifestyle  is not always easy. You can feel insecure, or have a question or problem you would like to have an answer on. Ask other swingers what they think and get the answers or tip you need. Do you have a question? Send an email to media@sdc.com and find the anser in our category 'Swingers Questions'. This time: 'How to solve my performance problem?'

My wife of 28 years and I are new to the lifestyle. We are having lots of fun... But I've run into a bit of a performance problem. At age 50 I've not had any erectile problems until we're with other couples. For some reason... I have trouble either getting it up or maintaining erections. This is a new problem for me. When I'm just with my wife...I'm good to go. I'm so embarrassed and I really want to continue our adventures but now I'm feeling too self conscious to meet other couples.
Any advice you can offer will be appreciated.

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0 #1 Newbies 2016-11-05 16:51
Maybe it is the stress of having seks with somebody else? You can try not to go 'all the way' and tell the other couple about that. It might help to be more relaxt.
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0 #2 DesertHeat 2016-11-06 15:15
Your problem is not unusual. Probably just performance anxiety. You may just want to use Viagra or Cialis for those occasions when you are going to be with another couple.
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+8 #3 amerikiwi2 2016-11-06 22:40
It's always easy to say 'just'relax'! So many of us have been and still do go thru this for many, many reasons. The Viagra or Cialis option is a good one and nothing to be hidden or ashamed of - it's very common. Don't get sucked in by all the so-called quick fixes that litter the internet ... ... the majority are just $ making scams.
One strong word of advice - do not be totally 'goal' oriented. Go with the flow - you don't have to perform, just enjoy. Performance brings so many issues to the fore ... ... emotional, old blueprints, issues/experien ces you had forgotten about. The pressure to perform should not be the primary goal!
Have fun, make it a mutual fun experience - good luck!
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+6 #4 DND 2016-11-09 06:15
Yep. I've experienced this problem and more. I feel it is excitement, anxiety and any other emotionsyou are experiencing at the moment. I try to keep my wife close by to settle me down. She is awesome and for me she adds to the excitement. (I try not to be selfish about that. I respect that she has her own agenda too). Try to be very conservative with alcohol. It may give you courage but it will kill a boner. Alcohol also has an adverse effect on viagra and other drugs. If you can't settle down and be chill as suggested try what has been mentioned already. Don't make doing the deed the final goal. Try giving some lucky person the best oral they ever had. They may reciprocate but they will remember you. And as a last resort find a men's clinic (I call mine "the boner factory") and get some "Trimix". That shit will give you a rock hard boner that would terrify Godzilla himself. You'll be tearing up ass until everyone at the party is crippled. The hosts pets will be running for cover. Or just get 2 pop sickle sticks and a roll of tape. You have options.
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0 #5 Steve 2016-11-21 16:35
It's easy to say go with the flow and don't force it but couples, particularly women have expectations and if you don't meet them word travels. Hence, performance anxiety starts small and builds with each failure. Many men, despite common belief, want to feel some connection first. With connection brings comfort, relaxation and then things work. Try to slow things down but not in a way that makes you look bad. Extend the flirting and foreplay as much as you can, hopefully until you start feeling a connection. If after your best efforts you still don't feel it, then perhaps a strategic retreat is the best option - just say your not feeling it and move on. Rather than get a reputation for not performing, you can walk away knowing that you're simply not the animal that people think men are.
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+5 #6 jjlast01 2016-12-03 17:54
That use to happen to me....hated it.
My solution is not scientific but I solved the problem through trials and error.

#1- You need a hard erection...anyt ime you are aroused.
Kegel exercises are the best way to achieve that. Your penis is not a muscle however, your pelvic muscle is your "penis muscle". Its strength diminishes as you age (starting in you mid 20's). So you need to exercise that muscle regularly. Don't just do 10 reps and done. Start with 50 to 100 reps 4 times a week. You'll start seeing and feeling the difference after the 1st day (you'll see veins start popping out of your penis)
I've tried pills, they only give me massive headaches. I stay away from them
Wine helps your erection also, but too much is not good. 2 glasses of red wine before sex helps your mood and erection too.

#2- Distraction
Losing your focus especially when you are in a new environment, setting is an erection killer. A "cock ring" helps tremendously. There will be multiple intervals where you will lose focus during sex due to anxiety, poor visibility etc and these brief seconds can escalate to your mind and ruin your experience.
A cock ring will help you keep your erection during these brief intervals until you regain your focus again. I don't always use it, but in new settings and environment, i always have it handy if i feel a bit anxious.

#3 Visibility
As men, our vision is our best and most powerful sex sense. Poorly lit room is a mood killer. Men like to see a woman's body and reaction when she's getting pleasured. Seeing those will keep your erection up.

And also as men, when you are in a dark room or even around people you are not too familiar with, your defensive instinct can over take your mind. That can cause anxiety and kill your mood

good luck
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-1 #7 Ron 2016-12-17 23:17
Cannabis is pretty much becoming legalized in most places. My suggestion would be to vaporize some good bud to settle you down. I personally dislike pharmaceutical companies, and there chemical concocktions. Hope this isn't out of line to say. I'm old school hippy generation. I bring molly with me. 1 or 2 parachutes with a refreshment. In about 5-10 minutes you are good to go with a hard cock, and fast turnaround for as long as you want to go. The mood is very soft, and sensual with very heightened sensations, and willingness to pleasure each other thoroughly.
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0 #8 JerryAdoresAnn 2017-02-09 17:30
When it came to performance in a group setting, I felt the stress of performing. Viagra solved my problem.
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