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Is swinging not for me?

- In Swingers questions

JealousIn the categorie 'My question is...' this time a question about jealousy. Do you also have a question about swinging or the lifestyle, a problem you need help with or want some advice from other swingers? Send an email to media@sdc.com.

My wife is too affectionate outside of the bedroom to other men when we swing. I don't know if I can take that part of it. It's ok when we are all in the bed room having sex but when we are just having a good time outside the bedroom I don't like it. it's the one major part I have with it. I thought swinging was all about sex fantasies not caressing another person in front of me while not in the playroom. I will let her do almost anything in the playroom, just not out. Is that asking too much or maybe swinging is not for me?

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+5 #1 LuckyCharms 2012-07-18 14:13
Fact: Women LIKE & NEED "romance". Kissing, caressing, etc. is part of romance, and also part of foreplay and is a HUGE turn on! How is she to know if she is attracted to the man (men) otherwise? This is the female half of our equation. I flirt, hug, kiss, compliment, etc. other men (especially our play cpls) outside of the bedroom. My man doesn't get jealous. He does the same with the other females. Sounds like you just want her to be sex machine, able to turn her juices on and off. For women, it doesn't work like that.
Maybe you should consider purchasing a blow up doll......just sayin'....
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+11 #2 Miami-Couple 2012-07-18 14:32
Flirting & foreplay in the LS is a common thing, but like everything else in life there is a time for it and a time thats not appropriate. Flirting in swinger clubs or house parties is the place to do it, but if your at a vanilla club with vanilla people, you have to set limits. Cause if you both decided to have a vanilla night and attend a regular club, then thats a night for just the 2 of you. If you are looking to Play, then a vanilla club is not the place to do it, unless the agenda is to pickup guys at these clubs. The key here is COMMUNICATION! Both of you have to talk, set limits, discuss likes & dislikes and everything should be fine.
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+4 #3 laughinglovers 2012-07-18 15:15
+1 LuckCharms. How is it you expect your wife to get her engine started? The lifestyle isn't a porn movie: doorbell rings, hunky delivery man steps through the door, wife bends over couch dripping wet and horny, everyone has explosive orgasm. Dancing, flirting, kissing, carressing, can all be a part of sex - before an in the bedroom. Just because you have a specific time when you think the play should start, doesn't mean that works for her. Sorry to be cliche, but you need to talk about your LS rules with your partner and WORK it through. We've changed our rules many times over many conversations, some of the conversations difficult, but ultimately rewarding and setting us free of jealousy. If the intimacy with males is bothering you then you shouldn't have to simmer with it by yourself, but go in with an open mind as this may be an important part of the LS for her. Or you can just make sure its rewarding only for you and let us all know how that works out.
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+6 #4 MULTIPLE ORGASMS 2012-07-18 17:07
Hey!
Perhaps this is a form of 4PLAY! We all NEED 4play, as it really intensifies and builds up our appetite! Lots of FEMALES perhaps get off on the thought that her man is right there and there is a SEXUAL FREEDOM rite there with ALL parties involved! YOU CAN DO THE SAME THING & THIS MIGHT REALLY MAKE HER "SQUIRT"!
Kim & Pablo
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+6 #5 The one 2012-07-18 19:38
Thanks for the response keep them coming but firting and kissing I get it ... It's a part of the whole thing but where it the limit.... When texting is involved do swinger couples text each other spouses all the time is that part of swinging ... When do u go back to your reg. life. Is this apart of it? It just sounds like if that happens its becomes more like dating to me I might be wrong tho ... Playing while we are all together is one thing texting while we are not is another ... Please help!
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+6 #6 Lively Granddad 2012-07-18 19:52
Interesting question about texting. I text the female (and male) partners as they're friends. I am grateful for them and let them know I appreciated us all getting together. I don't do much else in texting because one never knows who might get ahold of their phone. It's generic enough one would have to have seen us together to know the meaning of the undertones.

I do IM (Skype, Yahoo) with partners, and that gets a little more of the Monty Python "nudge nudge wink wink" kind of flirting, but absolutely nothing is hidden from my the other. I make sure she sees what has gone as it's usually about our NEXT playdates, too. If I ever started speaking "words of love" to someone then red flags would go off all over the place. I actually have a love for the majority of my partners enough to make sure they know they're special and their pleasure is my priority with them -- but I only love one person in such a way that I want to wake up next to her every morning.
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+7 #7 Erotic 2012-07-18 21:05
My husband is similar to your wife and needs the flirting to get his engine going. I am uncomfortable with flirting with everyone so we made a compromise - as long as both of us have an attraction to the couple, we can touch, flirt and kiss the other couple outside of play to see if there is chemistry. If only one is attracted to the couple, then it's no go for either one of us...
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+3 #8 laughinglovers 2012-07-18 21:51
Sounds like you have more than a party foreplay issue. Personally, we don't have texting, calls, gifts, or outside event contact. Sounds like everything needs to get above aboard and decide what boundaries work for you both. If it doesn't work for both, then you shouldn't be doing it.
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+9 #9 Ron 2012-07-18 22:18
To the original poster, it does not sound like you and your wife have communicated and set your parameters, your rules so to speak. This lifestyle is difficult if you are not on the same page, and you do not seem to be on the same page. If this is happening at a lifestyle club, and you have set your rules, then it would be OK. Same with a house party.

Of course the preliminary flirtation, the touching, is important to tell if you really have a four way connection.

But you need to speak to your wife and get a handle on this before you bust a vessel.
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+9 #10 mk4fla 2012-07-19 16:09
First of all, jealousy is a trust issue. If you are jealous that your wife is flirting, then that says you don't trust her. If that's the case, then the LS is definitely not for you. When outside the party room do you flirt with other women? If so, then you're asking her to not do something that you partake in. To be in the LS you need to have great communication with each other at all times. You have to trust each other at all times under all circumstances. There is no way to say you trust each other and be jealous at the same time. Discuss what you're feeling with your wife, not everyone else on the internet. We don't know what level your relationship is really at. The LS is more than just living out fantasies. It includes having a solid, trusting relationship with your partner. I'll say it one more time, YOU MUST COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER AT ALL TIMES ABOUT EVERYTHING if you really want to be successful in the LS.
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+1 #11 Jon 2012-07-19 18:01
Jealousy is fear that another man will take your wife. To cure jealousy, you need to be reassured that this will not happen --- perhaps you can agree that your wife will hold your hand as much as possible, subtlely caressing you to reassure you of her commitment to you? Ultimately, this is about you trusting her. Usually the reason for the jealousy is completely irrational. Just remember: She is flirting with the other men not because she wants to join them and leave you --- she is doing it just to have some no-strings-atta ched sexual fun --- perhaps involving all four of you, depending on what you agreed on. As a couple people have mentioned, for women, flirting is an important part of this.
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+6 #12 Miami-Couple 2012-07-20 00:12
(The One)- I read your comment about Texting & Sexting and though it can be part of the flirting it can become a problem in your Regular part of life, when people dont know when to curve their hornyness! Or the fact that not everyone can live the LS life everyday! So these people can be annoying. The wife may like it but it can be crazy. What we do to curb the nonsense is that I control the calls & text with the people we want to meet & play with. Most guys wont become a problem once they have to deal direct with the Hubby or BF, it now becomes more of a respect thing. We rarely have issues with Couples its the single guys that like the Sexting. Its not because of jealousy with us, its more of controling them, since single guys are a big part of our LS. Again communication is KEY, If your wife likes to Flirt 24/7, then its something different that its not the the LS at fault...but her not accepting that there is a Time-Off from swinging. You guys need to talk.
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+4 #13 Ron 2012-07-21 18:13
It can be really a problem if there is continual contact outside of the actual times of personal contact. Sexting, phone calling another's spouse, why? Says something is wrong in your own relationship, unless you play alone.

But then we never understood the playing alone by a married couple. We communicate only through the same sex spouse of the other couple. We believe it shows respect for the other spouse.

At least that is our guideline.
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+4 #14 Ron 2012-07-21 18:19
As for the jealousy comment, if one of us has sex with another person, and from that, we would want to terminate our marriage, then it is our opinion that we would open the door and let that spouse move on. If you are worried about this happening, you should not be in this lifestyle.

If you care about your spouse, consider the "if you love them, set them free" idea. We don't mean let them leave you and then come back if they change their minds. We mean in this lifestyle, once you have communicated and establlished your limits, then you need to allow each other to fulfill those limits without fear of loss. If you have a strong marriage, then you have nothing to worry about. If you do not, then you should not be in this lifestyle.
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+5 #15 Germán y Claudia mex 2012-07-22 19:55
My friend, We agree with you,as you We also considerate that in the foreplay both played, but outside the rom the game is ended.

We also think that the game is the game time, when it finish ir finish, its not a maner to be jelous, its just ended and Thats it.
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+7 #16 Lucky Charms 2012-07-24 13:06
Sexting/texting /emails: Didn't know this was going on outside of the "play time". Not kool!! We do not sext/text/email other people's partners outside of the play time. That is part of our agreement, no flirting one on one outside of playing, meaning in the Vanilla world. It's not a matter of "trust", it's a matter of respeact for each other's feelings and the love that bonds you.
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+3 #17 Azulik 2012-07-29 12:44
She may not be realizing it bothers you. Sometimes we don't realize the other person's boundaries or what may hurt him/her. You need to define what "outside the bedroom" means. To her, 10 min after the play while having a drink at the bar may still be the "playground". Flirting may actually make her feel more into you, as she feels completely free in your presence. But if some things make you feel sad and spoil the fun, you need to discuss them and set your boundaries straight. Be true to yourself and her. There's nothing wrong with expressing your jealousy and what triggers it. She'll understand if she's the right person for you. There are no forbidden feelings in LS. All feelings are embraced and should be confronted; LS is by nature liberating and taboo-free.
Trust your instinct. Deep down you know if your woman is a loving, sharing, sincere -and fun-loving;)- partner, or if she would act selfishly. LS is not selfish. It's about sharing. Talk it out. Stay happy & sexy ;)
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