How can we swing without falling in love?
This time we received a long email from a woman who desperately needs advise about her relationship. Can you help her out and give her tips? Do you have a question about the lifestyle? Mail media@sdc.com and we will publish it in our category 'Swingers Questions'.
I have an important issue. I have been in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years now. I always wanted a monogamous relationship. I always thought that that was the best way for me. We recently broke up due to a difference of opinion. When we broke up he interacted with another women. Which hurt me badly. And when I finally got to talk to him a couple of weeks later, I asked him if we are still together. And that I need to be married to him because of American law (I am a dutch citizen, and if I want to stay with him, we need to be married according to American law).
He told me he got cold feet because of my attachment to him. That I expect him to be a certain way and he gets stressed. And when I asked him how I could make sure we would both be happy, he told me (he used to be more monogamous in the past, and I think due to me not being able to stay longer then maximum 3 months at a time) that he wants to be a swinger. For us to be swingers. And I knew of the term swingers. I asked him what he meant with swingers when he tought about it. He said he would like us to befriend people, make friends, and that when we know each other a bit better, that we would swap partners.
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Questions
First I didn't know how to act on what he said. It triggered my curiosity. Due to my religion and the way I am, I believed in a monogamous relationship. For me, if we decide to swap to overcome his commitment fears, knowing we can swing if he wants to (me too as well afcourse), then I am willing to do that. I just have many questions and nobody to ask questions to.
- I want to know if we aren't married yet, how to get succesfully married, and that he knows we can add swinging to our marriage.
- How to make sure that our initial relationship is monogamous (meaning that he is my husband first and foremost. That my heart and soul is with him, and that I want a stable family life, with feeling secure and safe with him).
- How to make sure that our love is monogamous between us emotionally, and mentally. That we just share our sexuality with other people that we befriend, and who we can hang out sexualy and none sexualy as well.
- How to keep family and our life seperate from the occasional swinging. I love him. He is the love of my life. And he has had a bad marriage before. It isn't easy for him to commit himself to a marriage.
My biggest question: how can I/we make sure that we can have a succesful marriage without him eventually cheating on me. That it will not be an invitation to be sexualy outside of me knowing about it.
I need to get the best tips I can get. To make sure he keeps his identity and for me to know the rules of swinging to keep my marriage safe. That he doesn't fall in love due to swinging. Who can help me? I am open for every advice I can get. The do's and don't s. And how to swing with befriended couples (I don't like to swing just by going to a club and swap. Emotionally I need to feel secure). Can you help me?
Comments
*Ethical Slut
*More Than Two
These deal with non-monogamy. We are involved in a polyamorous relationship. We, as a married couple, have our own set of rules. That is what works for us. Some people don't like rules. We do.
We don't really care for the swinging lifestyle, but prefer a non-monogamous one. The reason I dislike swinging is the interview process, the lack of sexual health history when at swinger events, and how swinger events feel predatory.
We do not want emotional attachments with others at this point in our relationship, but we both realize that we may one day.
We have taken the time to go monogamous for a number of years to build our foundation.
We have extremely open communication about every encounter we may want to take place. Graphic discussions about what each of is comfortable with the other doing. Example: I'm ok with you kissing and exchanging oral with your person of interest tonight. I am not ok with penis in vagina.
Going non-monogamous out of desperation, as your story sounds, does not sound like a recipe for success. It takes an incredible amount of trust, communication, and the ability to put your own desires aside to keep your partner feeling secure at times.
Anyhow.
Good Luck, and know that what you want IS possible...but from what you've said, I would think, not with your current choice in partners...you both need to re-frame, and see what shows up.
D
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