Soft swap or not?

Posted on . In Swingers Questions


Being in the lifestyle  is not always easy. You can feel insecure, or have a question or problem you would like to have an answer on. Ask other swingers what they think and get the answers or tip you need. Do you have a question? Send an email to and find the anser in our category 'Swingers Questions'. This time: 'I saw my husband penetrating another woman, but I don't want that. What to do?'

My husband and I just recently had our first soft swap. The other couple didn't feel comfortable performing in front of their spouse and encouraged us to be in separate rooms. We have a no penetration rule, however upon entering the room that they were in it appeared that they were actually penetrating. He says they didn't but I seen otherwise. I like the LS but I don't like the feeling of seeing him penetrate another woman. ...How should I handle this? 

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+7 #1 Good4Life 2016-11-16 18:04
It sounds like your partner is employing the "It wasn't me" tactic. A song in the early 2000's told guys to always say "it wasn't me" despite what their spouses saw. The Lifestyle is very difficult if there is no honesty between partners.
I recommend you wait until the two of you are not in an emotionally charged moment (i.e., no bedroom, no argument, etc. ). Explain to your husband that, in spite of his denial, you feel as if he violated your no penetration rule. Explain how you feel about whether or not you want to continue in the Lifestyle. Ask him to explain his feelings about continuing in the Lifestyle. Hopefully, you both can have a cogent discussion and move on in a mutually agreed direction.
Good Luck.

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-6 #2 Highrod 2016-11-19 02:35
The soft swap is a joke. When a body arouse and everybody is hot the intercouse is going to happen if the bodies are naked. All couple's who started in soft swap end up in full swap. My suggestion is play in separate rooms until you both feel comfortableand if the penetration happens then enjoy it. There is no point on resist it. After all that is what everybody in the lifestyle is looking for.
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+6 #3 lovethels 2016-11-19 20:03
This is a tricky one. We started of soft-swap (the first two playdates) until we had a threesome with another guy. We discussed scenarios carefully and she knew I was okay with her being uninhibited and fucking other guys. She's done almost everything in the playbook with other guys and I love watching her and participating. She is fullswap but made it clear to me that she has issues with me penetrating another woman, so I've been softswap. I was okay with that as I loved having a hotwife (MFMs) and enjoyed softswap sessions with other couples. UNTIL the one couple with the sexy girl that I really connected with was wanting to fuck me as much as I was wanting to fuck her. I was hoping my wife would fuck the guy so I could fuck this girl. It didn't happen and my wife pinched me hard on the leg when she saw that I was having a long makeout session with this girl who had her pussy within inches of my cock. We had a good talk about what happened and I told her I'd like to someday go fullswap as a couple. She connects with men at that level and I had connected with a woman so it would be nice. She agreed but said it has to be with a couple we both connect with and she needs to feel comfortable with the other woman. She understood that when you're softswapping and things get really hot, it's natural to want to fuck. I'm glad we discussed it and hopefully we'll connect with a couple that we both want to fuck. It all boils down to communication and understanding. I respect my wife's feelings and she respects mine.
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-3 #4 mstrk2007 2016-11-20 00:01
Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought "soft swap" meant you did it with your own partner but in the same room as the other couple. Once you went to separate rooms with one part of the other couple, you were in full swap mode.
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+2 #5 Good4Life 2016-11-20 01:58
to mstrk2007:
Apparently the OP stated they are a soft swap couple. Their play partners for that evening, felt uncomfortable in the same room. So, they went and played in separate rooms. The real problem is the OP and her husband had made a "no penetration" rule. She feels the husband violated said rule, which he denies.
The problems are trust and communication!! The two perennial and most important issues in the Lifestyle. You have to trust your partner to obey the rules regardless the location. And, the husband can't just brush off her concerns about what she believes she saw.
They need to talk this out and get through it. If not, there may be dark days ahead for their relationship, let alone their being in the Lifestyle.
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+1 #6 gypsy2kg 2016-11-20 19:47
We are soft swap and nearly always in the same room (more fun). Once when in separate room the Mrs felt she saw penetration. We stated we were very close together but that no penetration had occurred. But the Mrs still felt she saw what she saw. You have to accept what the feeling of what she saw. We discussed and reaffirmed our soft swap status and to stay in the same room.

We have moved on and spent a lot more time with communication before, during and after. Other situations have come up and we have dealt with them easier.
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0 #7 Ron 2016-11-23 17:07
Soft swap is anything except penetration. Oral with the other couple's spouse, kissing, etc. Our question has always been, if a woman takes the other man's penis in her mouth, then what is the difference allowing penetration?
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+2 #8 JustHisSusanne 2016-12-13 11:19
Ron, I offer some insight to "If the woman takes the other man's penis in her mouth, then what is the difference?" Take the other woman's clit in your mouth and now everything is same-same. It's still all oral on both sides of the swap.
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