What are the rules??

Posted on . In Swingers Questions

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I am pretty new to being a "Unicorn". Is it normal for a couple to have restrictive rules when I join them as a third? Examples of a few rules I have encountered are: no kissing the man, no face-to-face sex ... the intimate things. It's usually the woman who is enforcing the rules. My knee jerk reaction is that the female is insecure with her intimate bond between she and her husband. It makes me feel as if I am being treated "less than" when this happens. Your thoughts please?

Comments   

 
+15 #1 Jon 2012-12-29 23:57
I think, as you say, the such "rules" are made to help one of the partners feel more secure. Certainly not all couples have such rules. But I think one should respect the rules a couple expresses, not because there is anything absolutely "right" about them, but because its an expression of a "need" of a particular couple, and we should only want the best for each other in swinging, as in life. I think more openness is better, but not everyone may feel secure enough beyond a certain point. In any case, you shouldn't take it personally. If a couple's rules make you feel "less" then they are not a good match for you. However, I am sure there are many other couples who will be a good match!
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+13 #2 Angie 2012-12-30 03:38
If you feel "less than" for any reason, I would consider that to be a sure sign that, that couple is not compatible with you. I personally have been looking high and low for a unicorn for me and my husband. I don't have any rules and we are only a year in the LS. I am totally confident in our relationship and want the single female to enjoy her time with us as much as we would enjoy her time. I would want the encounter to be very personal and intimate and can't think of any rule I would impose except the one my husband knew I had from the beginning...... condoms are a must. I agree you need to be willing to accommodate the rules of the couple that you choose to play with but you can afford to be selective and you should be. If they have a lot of "upfront" rules, maybe they would be better off with another female if you don't "feel it". Just my opinion.
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+2 #3 Blaze 2012-12-30 14:47
Their rules could be based on their security (or lake thereof) but it could also be that the couple wants to preserve special acts of intimacy only for themselves.

We single guys encounter rules too, regarding limits on engaging the wife / gf. I always respect the rules although the rules often detract from the experience. When I meet a lady where the connections is right for intimacy, then I like to express passion, and rules like 'no kissing' makes the engagement seem cold and disconnected (which is probably the couple's objective).
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+3 #4 HungSexy 2012-12-30 18:14
Rules like those are, in my opinion, far too restrictive.

You're a unicorn! You can pick and choose from hundreds of couples in your area... inquire about rules before you meet, and if they seem like they would impede on your fun, answer the next email.

As a single male, I often find that the rules change (relax) as the couple gets to know me. But no reason why you should something that seems overly restrictive.
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+3 #5 twoonones 2012-12-30 19:53
Screw those stupid rules, if they have more than one we pass and thats usually no anal. The no kissing thing is the dumbest. If they are that insecure then this is the wrong place for them. What we have learned its a control thing for some and we dont have the time to play there games....there are thousands of others that enjoy it for what it is. Go with them instead.
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+3 #6 NOTaUnicorn 2012-12-31 00:30
I'm a single female that once identified as a 'Unicorn'. I soon found that some of the rules, pushiness, and flakiness of some of the couples I was meeting took a lot of the fun out of this 'swinging' thing. Not to mention that it was darn hard to find a couple where I found BOTH of them attractive (to my taste). To me, the more rules a couple had, the more insecure they seemed, so I often wondered why they were even in the lifestyle. Then there were the couples were the female half didn't really seem interested in the LS. Fortunately you have MANY choices of playmates. Unfortunately, finding the really 'fun' ones is often a challenge. I finally had enough of being a 'unicorn' and am simply a 'single' female. But I still get nudges and emails from couples. Unless Brad and Angelina or Will and Jada contact me, it's a no-go. Good luck.
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+3 #7 SeekingA3rd 2013-01-02 19:10
Rules such as the ones you describe simply ruin the entire experience in our opinion and both the wife and I agree that your assessment of the situation is correct. The female half of your couple is obviously insecure. For us, insecurity = a tremendous propensity for drama and so we simply avoid couples like that. Sexual relations without kissing or other intimacy is a no-go for us. We truly enjoy having a 3rd (hence our name) and believe that sharing the love is a great feeling...this includes, kissing, cuddling, massaging & pampering etc. Our suggestion is to find a more secure couple where you can be treated as an equal participant in the experience.
Cheers,
C&T (SeekingA3rd)
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+3 #8 GrniiLady 2013-01-03 14:08
I also have been the Unicorn and have switched to a single because being a Unicorn wasnt all it was cracked up to be....I always took special care that the female was comfortable and didnt feel threatened but jez I enjoy the cuddling and the intimacy of lovemaking and with some couples I felt like if I didnt give all my attention to the female and ignore the male then it ended in in drama. I get hit up all the time to be the "Third" but sorry people those before you screwed it up...
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+3 #9 strippersrock 2013-01-07 13:55
It is not uncommon to have those type of rules, but not the norm either. Lots of rules and jealousy normally go hyand and hand with drama and insecurities. We don't have any rules, other than you can't put it there and you can't cum in there rules, but I even have to follow those. Kissing and face to face is erotic as hell and those that rule it out are missing one of lifes little pleasures. I love to watch my sexy wife get banged by some stud while they tongue kiss. Does it for me everytime. Remember now, its not all about YOU! It is about both of you and much like a marriage, you have to be flexible and willing to bend. Don't knock it till you try it through!
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0 #10 cazzie2003 2013-01-14 20:16
I agree with you Miss, and I would say not thanks if I were in your position. There are all kinda problems between these two, waiting to come out. Respect their rules and say no thanks guys......
We would certainly like most I think want you to be treated as equal, perhaps even put on a high. I know I would and I am the lady of Cazzie2003.
Have fun sexy, and you dont have to take the first offer, look around there are plenty who will appreciate you kissing and afectionate and equal play. We would!!!! xx Caz
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-1 #11 M&M 2013-01-15 04:12
Unfortunately you are "less than" being the third wheel. My husband & I don't have those kind of rules, but we do have some & it's definitely not because I'm insecure. We are inviting you into our bedroom not to make love but to have sex. If you want to make love then you should find yourself a boyfriend and share intimate moments with him. I don't love the unicorns that we bring into our bed, nor does my husband so we don't feel that we should be affectionate or passionate - we save that for each other, bringing a unicorn home is all about hot sex and doing things that can't be done without a third person.
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+1 #12 previousunicorn 2013-02-10 14:57
M&M, your statement is the reason WHY unicorns are a mythical thing. I entered the lifestyle as a young unicorn and had a blast. Unfortunately, couples that treated me as a cheap piece of meat, or in your words, "less than" a third wheel, were never a part of my lifestyle experience. I personally was offended by your comment, and not much offends me. As a unicorn, I had my own rules...ones meant to respect those I played with AND ones to protect/respect myself. I was always considerate of others feelings, insecurities and needs. To me, that is the fun of sex. I never treated anyone poorly which is why I am still friends with all of the couples I played with as a unicorn and have played with most of them as a full swap with my husband whom I met in the LS as a single male. To M&M, get a prostitute if you want a eyes glazed over piece of meat. For the unicorn asking the question, get to know your couples, be respectful and demand respect in return and I promise you, you will have a great time in the lifestyle! (Jumping off my soap box)
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+1 #13 Cheryl 2013-07-14 19:11
Like M&M stated, some couples are in it for pure sex (whether a threesome or just a full swap), they don't all want the intimacy and affectionate behavior you are talking about (kissing on the mouth, etc). Whether you are a unicorn or a couple, if that's what you want, you need to find a cpl who wants the same thing. If you want pure sex, make that clear and find another cpl or unicorn who wants the same thing. It doesn't make you less than, just because that's what they want. A lot of cpls play that way.
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0 #14 Rebecca 2017-12-15 03:02
Quoting M&M:
Unfortunately you are "less than" being the third wheel. My husband & I don't have those kind of rules, but we do have some & it's definitely not because I'm insecure. We are inviting you into our bedroom not to make love but to have sex. If you want to make love then you should find yourself a boyfriend and share intimate moments with him. I don't love the unicorns that we bring into our bed, nor does my husband so we don't feel that we should be affectionate or passionate - we save that for each other, bringing a unicorn home is all about hot sex and doing things that can't be done without a third person.
\

Amen. This the best written description of how rules should be set but unspecific-ally . A unicorn does not and should not feel nor want to feel like this is a love-making session for herself. It's all about putting on a show of hot, wild sex!
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